


The Fresh Hell of the Prince of Wayne

by Hollow_Whisperings



Series: The fem!Bruce Verse [6]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Makeover, dick grayson: dirty traitor, unwanted makeovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-14
Updated: 2015-12-14
Packaged: 2018-05-06 15:22:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5422061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hollow_Whisperings/pseuds/Hollow_Whisperings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Selina, Queen of Trolls, has returned from a week in Milan with some delightful new garments for herself and some of her favourite people. Damian just wants to get his butt kicked by his big sister. And, why yes, that <i>is</i> a reference to the Parasol Protectorate.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Fresh Hell of the Prince of Wayne

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to my favourite sex-shop employee for their ever-glorious assistance in my understanding of shoes, American children's snacks and appropriately sadistic nicknames.

Today was his big day: empires would crumble beneath his wake, peasants would tremble in the face of his glory, criminals would flee like the cowards they were.

Today Cassandra was going to tell Damian how she defeated Lady Shiva.

She just didn't know it yet.

Unfortunately for Damian, eleven year old would-be conqueror of worlds, the universe had other plans for him that day because no less than Selina Kyle, Queen of Trolls, and Dick Grayson, her enthusiastic sidekick and Damian's traitorous brother, had decided to pay the Wayne family a visit. 

Somewhere in the depths of Wayne Manor, Alfred Pennyworth shuddered and decided to spend his free Saturday anywhere but here. Perhaps Leslie would allow him to treat her to a late lunch.

"Helloooooo, Damian dearest!"

Damian scowled with all the intensity of a boy about to hit puberty. Selina, a woman who had plenty of experience ignoring the scowls of The Dark Knight herself, patted the boy's head absently and fluttered into the Wayne Family kitchen, ominously full shopping bags in tow.

"What do you want, woman? Why have you interrupted my nutritional intake regime?"

"Damian, darling, if you ever want to pass as a civilian you really ought to get with the lingo - we 'peasants' call that a 'mid-afternoon snack'. Ooh, are those-"

" _These_ are _mine_ , you unholy terror!"

"Hmph, 'potato, po- _ta_ -to', little pot." 

Selina promptly picked Damian's precious sustenance right out from him and nibbled at it delicately. Damian's outraged howl as he threw his fists hopelessly in the woman's direction (Selina sidestepped his manoeuvre, cackling) summoned an angel, clearly sent from the heavens to save the poor boy from this madwoman's taunting, in the form of none other than...

"Grayson, how could you? You were supposed to be on my side, you traitor!"

"I'm sorry, Little D! I learned a long time ago to never cross Selina!"

"Brown-noser! How _have_ you been, Boy Wonder?"

The two grown adults proceeded to engage in petty small talk as they carelessly played Keep-Away with Damian's precious Alfred-made meal. 

Upon exhausting themselves by giggling over Damian's pain, Selina set herself atop the brunch bar (from a pleasant Italian bistro in-town, Alfred flinched), absentmindedly licked syrup from her fingers and proceeded to claim Damian as her personal entertainment for the day.

"I. Am. _Not_. A-"

"Oh, hush, child. The grown-ups are talking."

"INFURIATING WOMAN!" ("Damian! _How many times have I told you that using 'woman' as an insult will get you murdered in your sleep??"_ "UGH!")

It took a quick but brutal brawl (albeit one very conscionable about not disturbing the cleanliness of the kitchen) but at last Damian was captured (Dick sat on him) and silenced (Selina decided to be merciful and allowed Damian to have the last remaining piece of his snack to himself).

"Now, little hell-beast-" Muffled swearing. "Oh _do_ try not to curse with your mouth full, infant, it is _most_ unbecoming-" Muffled laughter. "Really, Dick? Anywho, I have had a simple _delightful_ week in Milan and simply _had_ to show off my hoard! Sadly, Harleen and Pamela, my usual audience, are otherwise incarcerated this weekend-" Selina playfully nicked Dick's shaking shoulders with the toe of her lavender sling-backs, " _And so_ I have decided that my favourite ickle murder-child-" A less playful kick (Dick struggled to duck amidst his hysterics) because, really, Selina had thought she had the circus-boy trained to not interrupt her mid-monologue by now, " _As I was saying,_ I had hoped I could have one of you to show my wares off with!"

And so, with dawning horror, Damian Wayne received the worst makeover the Wayne Manor had seen since Dick had tried out a high-collar open-necked look for Nightwing... during his _mullet phase_.

"What do you think about the mint? Too pale?"

"Hmm. Little D's complexion isn't quite as golden as yours - he spends too much time brooding in his room - but I think it could work?"

"Flatterer. Ooh! How about with this silk scarf?"

"It's nice and all but isn't-" Dramatic flourish, " _this_ one just so much more... _mew_?"

Damian groaned from beneath a charming kitty-print square. The ridiculous ruffled collar of the dress Ms Kyle had forced him into (and which he would never admit to thinking was rather dashing) was itchy and Damian was certain that knicker-bockers were some torture device re-invented to induce hatred of fashionable women. Grayson, when not making disturbingly sound colour matches, was carefully replacing Damian's carefully applied black nail polish with some kind of invisible glue ("I swear if you inflict any pastel horrors upon my fingers I will personally claw out your-" "Shhh, little bro, I'm concentrating. Never underestimate the importance of the base coat!"). 

_To think, I could have been bleeding and begging for mercy at the hands of **the greatest martial artist in the world** right now,_ Damian lamented. _**Cassandra** would never stand for such outrageous-_

"...does that dress have little, uh, w-whales on it?"

"Why, _yes_ , Cassandra dear, it _does_! And I _do_ believe that it is _just your size_!"

 _Never meet your heroes_ , Damian thought darkly, _they will only ever disappoint you._


End file.
